who took my uvula?

put my heart in your hands.

but i can always take it back.

want is like + lack

'been reading this book. he says the first love is the only love. the other he says as much love as possible is the only love. she says true love is the only love. and it struck me in so many ways that i had to pause the book and take my laundry out.

i dont even know which one is my first love. is it the impossible-letter writing-song composing-i'd go to the end of the world with you-big ears are cute-guy? is it the highschool-boys are stupid phase-love-hate-and a lot of denial-trip? is it the accidents are more than accidents-coincidences are more than coincidences-love is like the movies bit? its not about being so absolutely ridiculously over everything that i can reduce it to some heterogeneous definition, its just a reference my nerdy sarcastic brain makes to my heart.
maybe every new love is like the first love.

so back to things i know something about, like wanting. wanting is like plus lack. although you can want something that you don't lack. you can want something you already have. you can want it to go on. but in a way that still is a lack, means you lack continuity, vision, security or conversation. :)

which makes me wonder, why did billy joel say he doesnt want clever conversation and what was the impact of his song on the world? has the importance of authentic, pure, clever conversation diminished cause of that?

are you lightning? (such a nada nerd today)

i don't know anything about love. you think i'd like to, and sometimes i would, but i think my ignorance in the matter will let me be bothered just enough to stir something nice. hmm, to make it clearer here's an example: getting hurt really badly cause of missing some sign but all the sudden depression would actually nurture some super master piece. how girlishly gullible.

i dont know anything about love and i act like i know everything, but that's a birth mark. some get it on their bums, others on their stomachs, i got it in a more visible place. i got a behavioral birth mark. mark rhymes with shark.

i also have strong opinions, with one p. strong rhymes with wrong. this blog is becoming mental masturbation.

here goes something

today i wore a tie. ties say a lot. it wasnt even my tie, but i had to start this post with something as i always found the start to be the hardest part, once i have that everything else just starts popping till the point of making no sense.

sometimes i want to write so many things that i have to leave sentences unfinished and jump to others. it's the way this post looks like RIGHT NOW. fuck, time is too flexible, making me look bad. time is why i feel misunderstood. i fell misunderstood, actually. long time back.

but i didnt wear the tie for the start of this post, i wore it to look cool. might have been a bit off beat, or maybe i'm just doubting my coolness cause of all the color mismatching rumours going around in my neighbourhood. and as i was standing on a busy street (i cant focus, what a mismatch in song choosing!!.... there, better!) looking all rebellious with my smoke in my hand, this group of middle aged asian women (i really wanted to say chinese :)) came to me and asked me where is the swarovski shop.

i bet you it was the tie. the tie said i am a young aspiring woman who has been in the fake diamond shop previously, but would be nice enough to direct a group of asian middle aged women to it.

i remember once people asking me directions for the restrooms. i wonder what i was wearing then.