Sunday, January 25, 2009

things i wrongfully label "mine"

and it hit me the other day, i'm like deedee in that episode from dexter's lab, when they fight over stuff and they label everything, from the stapler to the mom. i label everything, EVERYTHING. labels are not even that bad, the little tidy girl in me says to the rest of me, the 90% of chaos.
but the thing about me labeling things is that i mostly always mess it up. i put "potential best friend" on "huge waste of time", i put "please stay away from me" on "you're cool, we click!" and so on. but in all the chaos i find a way to sort things out and remove labels, reapply them correctly (or just to my feel-good-about-it level). must be the little tidy girl.

an in all the label craze i do something preposterous: i put a lot of "mine" on friends, family and things. this has proven to be the most disappointing, cause the way i do it has no logic and the end result leaves me in confusion.

my label says sam. it stands for what i am.

labels are dangerous.

Friday, January 23, 2009

pardon my swedish

do people get married even if the sex is bad?
and if so...

not a thing like me

obviously, i have too much time to think. and to think i could have used it wisely. wisely enough, i didnt. didnt you ever just wanna wast time? time for another beautiful musical piece that keeps me above the surface, allows me to laugh at the dark thoughts and reminds me life is cool also because of great music.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.

Copy pasted from here. Had to have it on my blog. Vonnegut is my one love.

1. "I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'"

The actual advice here is technically a quote from Kurt Vonnegut's "good uncle" Alex, but Vonnegut was nice enough to pass it on at speeches and in A Man Without A Country. Though he was sometimes derided as too gloomy and cynical, Vonnegut's most resonant messages have always been hopeful in the face of almost-certain doom. And his best advice seems almost ridiculously simple: Give your own happiness a bit of brainspace.

2. "Peculiar travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God."

In Cat's Cradle, the narrator haplessly stumbles across the cynical, cultish figure Bokonon, who populates his religious writings with moronic, twee aphorisms. The great joke of Bokononism is that it forces meaning on what's essentially chaos, and Bokonon himself admits that his writings are lies. If the protagonist's trip to the island nation of San Lorenzo has any cosmic purpose, it's to catalyze a massive tragedy, but the experience makes him a devout Bokononist. It's a religion for people who believe religions are absurd, and an ideal one for Vonnegut-style humanists.

3. "Tiger got to hunt, bird got to fly; Man got to sit and wonder, 'Why, why, why?' Tiger got to sleep, bird got to land; Man got to tell himself he understand."

Another koan of sorts from Cat's Cradle and the Bokononist religion (which phrases many of its teachings as calypsos, as part of its absurdist bent), this piece of doggerel is simple and catchy, but it unpacks into a resonant, meaningful philosophy that reads as sympathetic to humanity, albeit from a removed, humoring, alien viewpoint. Man's just another animal, it implies, with his own peculiar instincts, and his own way of shutting them down. This is horrifically cynical when considered closely: If people deciding they understand the world is just another instinct, then enlightenment is little more than a pit-stop between insoluble questions, a necessary but ultimately meaningless way of taking a sanity break. At the same time, there's a kindness to Bokonon's belief that this is all inevitable and just part of being a person. Life is frustrating and full of pitfalls and dead ends, but everybody's gotta do it.

4. "There's only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you've got to be kind."

This line from God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater comes as part of a baptismal speech the protagonist says he's planning for his neighbors' twins: "Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you've got to be kind." It's an odd speech to make over a couple of infants, but it's playful, sweet, yet keenly precise in its summation of everything a new addition to the planet should need to know. By narrowing down all his advice for the future down to a few simple words, Vonnegut emphasizes what's most important in life. At the same time, he lets his frustration with all the people who obviously don't get it leak through just a little.

5. "She was a fool, and so am I, and so is anyone who thinks he sees what God is doing."

A couple of pages into Cat's Cradle, protagonist Jonah/John recalls being hired to design and build a doghouse for a lady in Newport, R.I., who "claimed to understand God and His Ways of Working perfectly." With such knowledge, "she could not understand why anyone should be puzzled about what had been or about what was going to be." When Jonah shows her the doghouse's blueprint, she says she can't read it. He suggests taking it to her minister to pass along to God, who, when he finds a minute, will explain it "in a way that even you can understand." She fires him. Jonah recalls her with a bemused fondness, ending the anecdote with this Bokonon quote. It's a typical Vonnegut zinger that perfectly summarizes the inherent flaw of religious fundamentalism: No one really knows God's ways.

6. "Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.'"

In this response to his own question—"Why bother?"—in Timequake, his last novel, Vonnegut doesn't give a tired response about the urge to create; instead, he offers a pointed answer about how writing (and reading) make a lonesome world a little less so. The idea of connectedness—familial and otherwise—ran through much of his work, and it's nice to see that toward the end of his career, he hadn't lost the feeling that words can have an intimate, powerful impact.

7. "There are plenty of good reasons for fighting, but no good reason ever to hate without reservation, to imagine that God Almighty Himself hates with you, too."

Though this quote comes from the World War II-centered Mother Night (published in 1961), its wisdom and ugly truth still ring. Vonnegut (who often said "The only difference between Bush and Hitler is that Hitler was elected") was righteously skeptical about war, having famously survived the only one worth fighting in his lifetime. And it's never been more true: Left or right, Christian or Muslim, those convinced they're doing violence in service of a higher power and against an irretrievably inhuman enemy are the most dangerous creatures of all.

8. "Since Alice had never received any religious instruction, and since she had led a blameless life, she never thought of her awful luck as being anything but accidents in a very busy place. Good for her."

Vonnegut's excellent-but-underrated Slapstick (he himself graded it a "D") was inspired by his sister Alice, who died of cancer just days after her husband was killed in an accident. Vonnegut's assessment of Alice's character—both in this introduction and in her fictional stand-in, Eliza Mellon Swain—is glowing and remarkable, and in this quote from the book's introduction, he manages to swipe at a favorite enemy (organized religion) and quietly, humbly embrace someone he clearly still missed a lot.

9. "That is my principal objection to life, I think: It's too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes."

The narrator delivering this line at the end of the first chapter of Deadeye Dick is alluding both to his father's befriending of Hitler and his own accidental murder of his neighbor, but like so many of these quotes, it resonates well beyond its context. The underlying philosophy of Vonnegut's work was always that existence is capricious and senseless, a difficult sentiment that he captured time and again with a bemused shake of the head. Indeed, the idea that life is just a series of small decisions that culminate into some sort of "destiny" is maddening, because you could easily ruin it all simply by making the wrong one. Ordering the fish, stepping onto a balcony, booking the wrong flight, getting married—a single misstep, and you're done for. At least when you're dead, you don't have to make any more damn choices. Wherever Vonnegut is, he's no doubt grateful for that.

11. "All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental."

In Vonnegut's final novel, 1997's Timequake, he interacts freely with Kilgore Trout and other fictional characters after the end of a "timequake," which forces humanity to re-enact an entire decade. (Trout winds up too worn out to exercise free will again.) Vonnegut writes his own fitting epigram for this fatalistic book: "All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental," which sounds more funny than grim. Vonnegut surrounds his characters—especially Trout—with meaninglessness and hopelessness, and gives them little reason for existing in the first place, but within that, they find liberty and courage.

12. "Why don't you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? Why don't you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooon?"

Even when Vonnegut dared to propose a utopian scheme, it was a happily dysfunctional one. In Slapstick, Wilbur Swain wins the presidency with a scheme to eliminate loneliness by issuing people complicated middle names (he becomes Wilbur Daffodil-11 Swain) which make them part of new extended families. He advises people to tell new relatives they hate, or members of other families asking for help: "Why don't you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? Why don't you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooon?" Of course, this fails to prevent plagues, the breakdown of his government, and civil wars later in the story.

13. "So it goes."

Unlike many of these quotes, the repeated refrain from Vonnegut's classic Slaughterhouse-Five isn't notable for its unique wording so much as for how much emotion—and dismissal of emotion—it packs into three simple, world-weary words that simultaneously accept and dismiss everything. There's a reason this quote graced practically every elegy written for Vonnegut over the past two weeks (yes, including ours): It neatly encompasses a whole way of life. More crudely put: "Shit happens, and it's awful, but it's also okay. We deal with it because we have to."

15. "We must be careful about what we pretend to be."

In Mother Night, apolitical expatriate American playwright Howard W. Campbell, Jr. refashions himself as a Nazi propagandist in order to pass coded messages on to the U.S. generals and preserve his marriage to a German woman—their "nation of two," as he calls it. But in serving multiple masters, Campbell ends up ruining his life and becoming an unwitting inspiration to bigots. In his 1966 introduction to the paperback edition, Vonnegut underlines Mother Night's moral: "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be." That lesson springs to mind every time a comedian whose shtick relies on hoaxes and audience-baiting—or a political pundit who traffics in shock and hyperbole—gets hauled in front of the court of public opinion for pushing the act too far. Why can't people just say what they mean? It's a question Don Imus and Michael Richards—and maybe someday Ann Coulter—must ask themselves on their many sleepless nights.

too young to love, too old to die

I am a person with needs. some would call me needy and dispose of my attention, affection and also witty conversation. i would still keep in touch with these people, though, in hope of a really cool late comeback line.

right now my needs revolve or direct towards a man. its so typical, but i dont feel less comfortable with it. the man i'm talking about once said that the purpose of life is to love whoever is around to be loved. actually he didnt say it, he wrote it in a book. which is so ironically sarcastically erroneously happening - we fall in love based on proximity. and if i were to really fall in love i'd think its exactly cause of that, and diss it. people would be more lovable if they were more like fruit, less complicated and whiny.

i heart and need vonnegut and if there was a god he'd hurry one of his books over.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

another day, another 50 polka dots

this is stupid. i feel overthrown by events. i feel overtaken by polka dots.
i cant have chicken pox, yet i have it.
at the age of 24.

stuck inside a mobile, oh wait, that was bob dylan.
miserable me.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

idealism egocentric

found this draft from a million years ago...where was i?

cred ca n-o sa ma maturizez niciodata. si intr-un fel ma sperie ideea sa mor asa tanara.era ceva complet infricosator in vocea mea azi. eram in pantofii altcuiva. literalmente. e un sentiment ciudat, mai ales fara sosete. am concluzionat atipic ca vocea e influentata de sosete si pantofi si mi-am dat seama ca una fara alta sunt ca sarea. de-aia animalele nu pot vorbi. pentru ca sunt tot timpul desculte. si tot de-aia nu le putem intelege. e ca in desenul urmator...

ego sum :)

i used to like math. and hate smoking.
the world is on vacation, sitting upside down, for a better tan.

Monday, January 19, 2009

prete pour partir

After demonstrating his existence with complete certainty with the proposition "I think, therefore I am", Descartes walks into a bar, sitting next to a gorgeous priest. The priest asks Descartes, "Would you like a drink?" Descartes responds, "I think not," and then proceeds to vanish in a puff of illogic.

P.S. mi-am dat seama ca am un sezor care detecteaza oamenii fara scrupule. intrebarea e ce fac cu el.

Friday, January 16, 2009

chats are never what they were

short and funny, just like a midget on skis:

09:46 sucky: suckisukison
me: strasnic
09:47 sucky: Inima
15:26 sucky: damn u
me: pox on both your houses
(shakespeare said it)
15:27 sucky: u hav one in your nose
me: pox is smth else you dumbass
sucky: pox everywhere on u
me: yo sucky
21:13 sucky: sukesko
me: wATCHA doin?
21:14 sucky: nothing chatting
21:15 me: boring
sucky: yeah just like u
21:16 me: i'm boring?
sucky: yeah suckeso
me: swear!
21:18 sucky: :P
13:39 sucky: the war is still on
me: thw war is always on
13:40 sucky: i can see u shaking in fear
22:58 me: mr suckescu
what are we doing tomorrow?
sucky: eating your brain with curry paste
me: besides that
22:59 dressing up funny?
sucky: :P
23:01 me: speaketh!
i want to go to sleep
what do we prepare?
23:02 sucky: :P
brain curry :P
of ur brain
23:03 me: fine prateek
sucky: i will call u in the morning
my brain is not working right now
me: good night bastarde
sucky: :P
23:04 prosto
me: ciutia
sucky: kakastule
me: lol thats not even a word, benchoti
23:05 sucky: hahahah
but u get it right
the meaning and emotions are conveyed
me: no, no idea what you wanted to say!~
sucky: :P
me: adios, amigo
sucky: u are kidding
20:04 sucky: bobby
me: brown
6 minutes
20:11 me: wazzup?
sucky: good bobby
whats up with u
me: nuttin much
20:12 chillin with ma wikis
6 minutes
20:18 me: xuky
20:20 xuuucky!
20:21 sucky: brb

Thursday, January 15, 2009

the biggest con of all times

in my young evening alone i found some lost wisdom and time for utterly meaningless reflection. meaningless is only used wrong, cause it was as meaningful as the discovery of penicillin. and that was meaningful at least to all bacteria, everywhere. my discovery wasnt as useful, but thats a different perspective which we will refrain from applying to the matter.

the biggest con of all times that people have ridiculously sold to one another is: "this is who i am, this is me, i dont care what other people think about me, it took me a long time to accept me and thats the most important, and whoever cant see what great things i have to offer isnt worth the trouble". and people fall for that, people fall for that like crazy. like moths. like buggers. like stupid, to be more precise. its the biggest self-healing-potion and makeover-let-me-look-good-in-others'-eyes baloney, 2 in one. the biggest con. i wonder who invented it.

and it is that because no matter how incredibly stupid or evil or gross or dumb or really bad at making decision for ourselves we are we can still find the time and energy, in the lowest moment of self-loathing and realization of some crap in our lives to say: this is who i am and and i am proud, and i am like this by choice, and i have great things to offer and who doesnt see that is blind (but what we're secretly saying is love me, love me, love me, love me, i can change, i can change, i can change). and the truth is we can. but rarely to better versions. and mostly we dont want to. thats because of ego.

tonight i've made important decisions. the last one was one hour long in lasting, then i changed my mind. immaturity continues to stick by me, and i congratulate it for the ambition.

and since it's all about love and there's good in everyone i think i'd like to touch someone's heart. and then feed it to the ducks. :)
note to self: people with small teeth scare me.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

underachievers, please try harder

is lack of feedback feedback?

i'm analyzing variables:

yes: that means you either have poor communication skills, are a bad listener, work with emotionally unstable people, cause jealousy amongst others or just dont give a damn and the others got that.

no:there you have it.

always take the easy way out i tell myself while taking the other one.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

what i've learned

just one of the things learned while being in AIESEC. guess i'm gonna make a big list, seeing this is the end, beautiful friend.

Friday, January 09, 2009

give more hugs

i found one of the most simple wisdom comprised websites i ever came across. its like girls' it-wasnt-meant-to-be-get-over-it philosophy: simple, effective, self indulging.

i do love stumble. i am a stumble bee. :)) stumble is like a tailor fit mood google. and by google i mean search engine.

i'm getting to be more appreciative, more positive. it's scary. hope sarcasm and habit of simply hhhating stuff wont go away completely.

later edit: jet - are you gonna be my girl just started playing in the background and i feel nostalgia hitting me between my eyebrows. i dunno why it decided to hit there. i do know why it decided to hit... cause last year, this time, i was excitingly writing applications. no, THE application. and i was jumping to this tune in videos. who even remembers?

is there still time to change course?!

lots of love and a wee bit of hate,
the stumbled bee.